Weekend Dilemma--To Take or Not To Take??

I have a lot to do today in preparation for house guests. I have a list. The question is do I want to take medication on the weekend or not? Today is a day I feel I would benefit from the focus and clarity it gives me when approaching a number of tasks. What lingers in the back of my mind is knowing the drug is a narcotic with addictive properties. The doctor assured me because of how differently it works in the ADD brain, the result I get is not the desired effect those seeking a high would get. Short version: ADD types don't get addicted to it. I'm still nervous about becoming dependent. I need further reassurance. 

I'm going to look for an Adult ADD support group in my area. I have so many questions about managing things. I've been remembering different times in my life and bringing kindness to those moments. Many times sitting with the fallout of a particular behavior, I would ask myself, "What is wrong with me? Why do I do this? Why do I behave this way? Why can't I ever...?" Well now I know, there actually was something wrong with me. My brain is hardwired differently and to an extent that it interferes with certain functions. For so many years, I thought it was me that was wrong, not something that might be wrong with me. Knowing this brings kindness and forgiveness to my most wounded places. 

The other night I was at dinner with friends. At one point my friend Karen leaned over and whispered, "Are you on medication?" I said I was. She then said, "You're so calm it's almost scary."

It's not scary for me. 

Water is My Constant Companion

Yesterday, I got in the car and realized I was surrounded by empty water bottles without a drop in sight. I ran back in the house and got two more bottles. There is no way I can be without water on this medicine. My poor lips are chapped and cracked. But the head pressure from the first day is completely absent. The grounded feeling is present and constant. Not only am I tolerating the medication, but I am doing well with it. The only noticeable side effect is the dry mouth. Since I spend a great deal of time talking at work, it is very noticeable to me. I am learning to take water with me everywhere at work. I also keep lip balm in my pocket.

All things considered, it isn't a bad trade-off. Each day, I see more and more evidence of how I am being helped by the medication. 

Meeting without Outbursts

Today, I saw evidence of the impact of the medication. I was about to interrupt my boss during a presentation--one of those moments of urgency that aren't remotely urgent. Hesitantly, he looked towards me, and I paused and said, "It can wait." He continued with his presentation and I wrote down my question in the event I'd forget it. Oddly enough, when the meeting finished, the question no longer felt important enough to ask. 

Moments where I pause have been absent in my life. I am notorious for outbursts and speaking without thinking. I believe it is this specific behavior that cost me at least one job of which I am aware. I know I am in the euphoric phase, the one where I feel fixed and all is right with the world. I know it's possible I will have a letdown after a period of time; I know the medication is only one small part of managing the disorder. But here's the thing, it's working and I can tolerate it. So much of the rest is stuff I've been dealing with for years in therapy, only now I have an additional resource and tool. I can't help feeling that everything is falling into place. 

I had a better day managing my meals. I ate at regular times. Although I didn't eat a lot, I did eat. I had no headache today. Due to the length of my workday, I took the XR and two 10 mg doses. I believe I timed it right and will have no problem sleeping. I also went to the nurse to have a baseline BP done. I know one of the side effects is an increase in BP. Since my father died from a heart attack, I want to keep an eye on it. Today, it was 110/68, can't ask for better than that! 

I feel like I've moved from being a ball in a pinball machine, to an arrow shot by an archer, flying straight with a target in sight.  

Remarkable

I calmly went about my business today and accomplished more than I could have imagined. I did so in a methodical and orderly manner. I wasn't frazzled, crazed or hyper. I simply took one box, one drawer, one pile at a time. I worked steadily for about twelve hours. Usually in the course of a weekend, I'll get any number of things done, but it is between solitaire games, skipping through the channels, and napping. Yesterday and today, I made a list of what I wanted to accomplish and crossed things off as I completed them. 

That I completed the tasks isn't what is so remarkable to me, it was how I went about it. My nickname could be "Tangent Girl." It's how I speak, how I work and how I do things. I start something, stop to start something else, come back to the first thing, start a third and fourth and end up with chaos. I might only finish one or two things, leaving myself with many half finished tasks and a mess. Today, I didn't leave one thing until I saw it through. I spent most of the day at my desk going through piles of paper, files and boxes I haven't looked at or opened since I moved in May. 

By day's end, I unpacked seven boxes, sorted, put away and organized drawers. I also have two large Xerox boxes filled with recyclable paper. 

Also remarkable, was my total lack of interest in food. I am a compulsive eater. I eat. It's what I do. I ate my breakfast, a snack for lunch and I'm having an omelet for dinner--or at least I'm thinking I'll make an omelet. I'm not hungry. I have been struggling for the last three years with losing weight. I have been writing about it, going to Weight Watchers, exercising and going up and down the scale. It has been devastating to be aware of how I am unable to consistently take care of myself. I would have weeks of healthful eating, exercise and weight loss, only to be followed by equally destructive weeks. I will be amazed if the medication is able to align my desire to take care of myself with my ability to do it. This weekend it has; I'm cautiously optimistic and hopeful it will continue to do so.  

I Can See Clearly Now...

For the longest time, I've thought I had ADD. Having a limited understanding of the disorder, I thought its' only impact was on my difficulty to focus, finish a task, think before I opened my mouth or my terrible habit of interrupting people and finishing their sentences.  The changes in my son after his diagnosis and subsequent treatment had a profound effect on me. He no longer had an edge; he was managing his life in ways that used to be a problem; he was present in a way I wasn't used to. I took a few online ADD self-assessments, scoring in the Extremely Likely category. My therapist loaned me the book, Driven to Distraction. I skipped the book part and went right to the self-assessment section; I scored 73 out of 100. I took it again just to be sure and ended up with 87/100. I thought about going to my doctor. I went so far as to go to the office, but the line was too long. I left. I made a few calls to psychiatrists but did not schedule the appointment. I wondered if I would benefit from medication and spoke with my son about it. He gave me one of his pills to try, but I accidentally washed it in my pocket and never had the chance.  

Over the summer, I took a graduate course titled "Teaching the Child with ADHD." The books sat in a pile untouched. One of the titles came in CD form. I began to listen to it whenever I was in the car. As each chapter finished, I developed a deeper understanding of the disorder. Often I would be left in tears at the conclusion of a section. I identified with almost every vignette in the book. All at once, I began to think that maybe everything else I struggle with fell under the umbrella of ADD. My eating disorder, depression, chaotic finances, chaotic life, chronic self-esteem issues, disorganization, clutter, multitasking but never finishing--I could go on--what if all of it was related to one disorder. One neurological disorder, that no matter the dose of antidepressant, years in therapy, self-awareness, food plan, miles on a bike or items bought at The Container Store, was going to change.

I searched out the author of the book. I discovered he had a center in NYC. I called for the initial new patient consult. I spoke with a lovely woman and described my situation for her. She told me she felt I had come to the right place. I scheduled an appointment. I went on Tuesday. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when the doctor told me it all made sense.  After all this time, working so hard to "correct" what I perceived as wrong with me, here it was, the dog bone I'd been trying to unearth since I was nineteen. I felt hopeful and optimistic listening to the doctor say how he felt the medication would benefit me. It took days to fill the prescription, unanticipated roadblocks with insurance and the pharmacy's need to order the medication. 


Today, I took my first dose. I feel calm and grounded. I am finding myself finishing one task before starting another. Centered, balanced, attentive, focused...relieved.