For the longest time, I've thought I had ADD. Having a limited understanding of the disorder, I thought its' only impact was on my difficulty to focus, finish a task, think before I opened my mouth or my terrible habit of interrupting people and finishing their sentences. The changes in my son after his diagnosis and subsequent treatment had a profound effect on me. He no longer had an edge; he was managing his life in ways that used to be a problem; he was present in a way I wasn't used to. I took a few online ADD self-assessments, scoring in the Extremely Likely category. My therapist loaned me the book, Driven to Distraction. I skipped the book part and went right to the self-assessment section; I scored 73 out of 100. I took it again just to be sure and ended up with 87/100. I thought about going to my doctor. I went so far as to go to the office, but the line was too long. I left. I made a few calls to psychiatrists but did not schedule the appointment. I wondered if I would benefit from medication and spoke with my son about it. He gave me one of his pills to try, but I accidentally washed it in my pocket and never had the chance.
Over the summer, I took a graduate course titled "Teaching the Child with ADHD." The books sat in a pile untouched. One of the titles came in CD form. I began to listen to it whenever I was in the car. As each chapter finished, I developed a deeper understanding of the disorder. Often I would be left in tears at the conclusion of a section. I identified with almost every vignette in the book. All at once, I began to think that maybe everything else I struggle with fell under the umbrella of ADD. My eating disorder, depression, chaotic finances, chaotic life, chronic self-esteem issues, disorganization, clutter, multitasking but never finishing--I could go on--what if all of it was related to one disorder. One neurological disorder, that no matter the dose of antidepressant, years in therapy, self-awareness, food plan, miles on a bike or items bought at The Container Store, was going to change.
I searched out the author of the book. I discovered he had a center in NYC. I called for the initial new patient consult. I spoke with a lovely woman and described my situation for her. She told me she felt I had come to the right place. I scheduled an appointment. I went on Tuesday. I cannot tell you the relief I felt when the doctor told me it all made sense. After all this time, working so hard to "correct" what I perceived as wrong with me, here it was, the dog bone I'd been trying to unearth since I was nineteen. I felt hopeful and optimistic listening to the doctor say how he felt the medication would benefit me. It took days to fill the prescription, unanticipated roadblocks with insurance and the pharmacy's need to order the medication.
Today, I took my first dose. I feel calm and grounded. I am finding myself finishing one task before starting another. Centered, balanced, attentive, focused...relieved.
Today, I took my first dose. I feel calm and grounded. I am finding myself finishing one task before starting another. Centered, balanced, attentive, focused...relieved.
